On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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