How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
