I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
did i walk over a car last night?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
