You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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