Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
