respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
