Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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