So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
