It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
