I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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