im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
