She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
