I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
