So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
My dad just said "fuck circus"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
