He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
