1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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