he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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