I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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