wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
