Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
