I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Randomize
