I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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