Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
