It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
