I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
