my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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