So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
