Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
