I think my fart just growled at me.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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