I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I am spending my child support on dildos
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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