my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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