I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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