I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
