You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
