Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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