Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Randomize
