omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
