Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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