Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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