If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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