i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
