I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
