well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
