You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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