I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
