Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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