Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My feet surprised me
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