You smell like a Billy Joel song
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
