The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
