You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
