I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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