um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
