I hate all girls vehemently.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
