I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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